“She who blames others has a long way to go, she who blames herself is nearly there, she who blames no one has arrived!” -Chinese Proverb
After my parents got a divorce when I was 5 years old I searched for someone to blame. My Step Mom made for an easy target. She was young (immature), extroverted (abrasive), beautiful (vixen), assertive (domineering), came into the picture soon after their breakup (home wrecker), loved my dad (competitive) and loved her daughter more than anything in the world (didn’t love me).
I put my labels of BLAME in parentheses, so you can see how easily we can be in a state of blame when really the people we are blaming are just in a state of being.
Walking around with that blame made me angry, resentful, sad, hurt, and those labels of blame began to shape who I became in my following years as a child and a teen.
It wasn’t until my late teens/early adulthood that I realized there was always one common denominator in these relationships of BLAME.... ME! And I no longer wanted to be angry, resentful, hurt or sad. I no longer wanted to be a victim of blame.
I began shifting my blame. I began having ownership for the way I decided to label people, view people or claim my victimization over all the years. Realizing blame had only made me angrier or sadder, so I began rewriting (not rereading) the story.
It was easier now as a young adult because I had done enough fucking up and hurting others to see people as "human". It was much simpler because I too had made many mistakes at other people’s expense.
Then came the Self-blame. I felt guilty for what I had done to others. The grief and the hurt I had caused them. I understood, first hand, how hurt people hurt people but the Self-Blame was bigger than that. I believe the true guilt I felt was towards myself, the innocent child I allowed to grow up in a constant state of anger, pain and sadness. The guilt I felt for not telling her that people are human, and no one is to blame. The guilt I felt for all the happy years she lost by allowing her to be sad. I was so sorry but wondered if I could ever make it up to her.
Years have passed, and I continue to make it up to her by no longer blaming myself. I do my best to except myself and people for who they are and not what they have done or the labels created for them. I continue to improve my gifts of knowledge & wisdom by seeing the bigger picture in each person’s lives, viewing them as a complete story not just moments of failures or short comings. I accept that our view of others and the world will have a direct impact on how we feel and our quality of life. I accept that what has and will be done to me doesn't have to become a part of me by solely understanding that we are all human and there is no blame only growth and the opportunity to change and be better. I forgive others because I have forgiven myself.
I use my experiences to better the lives of the people around me. So, in the spirit of that, what you see as anger can become understanding, what you once saw as resentment can become compassion, what you see as sadness can become peace, and what you see as hurt can become healing and from difficult relationships of blame and pain can come growth and unconditional love!